Satire: California State Superintendent bans finger guns in schools

By Koppany Jordan
August 22, 2019

The following was written for the “Fake News or Real” quiz on National Review’s Radio Free California podcast. –Editor

After a string of non-fatal gun battles in California’s classrooms, Superintendent Tony Thurmond announced new guidelines on Tuesday to ban the use of finger guns.

“This ends now! We must act! We can’t just sit around and do nothing about this!” shouted Thurmond from his ottoman while dictating the new standards to his staff in front of the press. While conservative activists called for teachers to be armed with their finger guns, Thurmond argued that the real problem was concealment with unlimited magazine capacities. “One of the biggest challenges we are facing” Thurmond continued, “is that these finger guns are not registered and easily exchanged among the student body during recess.”

The NRA, in a press release, condemned Thurmond’s actions and stated, “the only way you can stop a bad child with a finger gun is to have a good child with a finger gun.”

“While a finger gun buyback program was something we took into consideration, Thurmond concluded, “we just don’t have the money for such luxuries.”

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Koppany Jordan is the Executive Director of Operations for the California Policy Center.

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